Holy Shit!! It's July!

Um, I don't know how to say this, but I'm sorry. Two months without a single blog? Inexcusable. The past two months have been rough on us. It has been the end of an era. For those of you who don't know, Pat and I no longer live together. I moved in with hell-storm, and Pat got an adult job and moved to someplace called Milaca. At least we don't have to worry about the third roommate anymore. What a fucking disaster that was. Oh, you don't know about our roommate stories? Well I'll tell you. (The names have been changed to protect the assholes in these stories, don't try to figure out who I'm talking about, I changed them a lot.)
It all started when Pat and I decided to get the hell out of St. Louis Park. We had lived in the same moderately cramped, kinda shitty apartment for three years and it was really starting to smell like Pat full time so we knew it was time to bail. Plus I wanted a room a little bigger than a closet so that was also a determining factor, but really the smell was #1. We scoured Craigslist for at least 30 minutes before we found this three bedroom place on Hennepin. It looked pretty nice and it was right next to an auto parts store so that is always a plus. We took a tour and really liked it but we were warned that living on Hennepin was the midwest's equivalent to living in Vegas. With that knowledge in hand, we took the place, we even got a discounted rate because there was just two of us!! Sweet!!
This is where the story goes to shit. After a couple of months at the new place we were still waiting for Pat's friend Maurney to move in with us. Maurney was full of excuses. My lease isn't up, I don't have money, Pat watches me sleep, I like living in a closet. It was getting old. We both thought Maurney would be perfect, but how long can you wait? Through this whole time I was talking to my old best friend Klevin. Klevin was living up in Fargo/Moorhead which is a fucking horrible place to live, I don't care what anyone says. No one makes anything of themselves in North Dakota, nobody. Klevin was having some severe problems so one day I drove up there and got him. Pat was not happy. Not happy at all. Klevin detoxed, got a job, and tried to turn his life around (maybe?) but it wasn't happening and things went to shit pretty fast. This pissed me off to no end because I hate when Pat is right, and he was definitely right on that one. We had found a new place to move into with the same landlord so a week before we were going to move we decided Klevin was out and Maurney was in. We moved all of our shit without a truck one block north on Hennepin. Little did we know, shit was about to really go down hill.
After a couple of months Maurney decided it was time to throw his life away and informed us he was moving out to live with Yoko. We were sad because Maurney is a great guy and it is always sad to see one of your brothers cut down in their prime. Knowing we needed a new roommate, we turned to the most fail safe method available. Craigslist. After a bunch of people called, flaked out, freaked us out, we found Dane. He was from Iowa and was moving to the cities. He wanted the place sight unseen and was gonna move up asap. Pat never got his name right and always thought Dean was moving in and would even have imaginary conversations with Dean while watching Tv. Well the day Dane was supposed to move in he called and said he magically got this internship in D.C. so he wasn't moving up. Well fuck. This was about a week before rent was due so we were really in a bind. (On a side note we learned from Facebook that Dane was a fat ugly republican douche bag with a severely ugly girlfriend who looked like she had a few missing/extra chromosomes, I hope he is having a great time in Obama's D.C., what a fuck bag).
ANYWAYS...we got a call from this guy called Talcom Rage and he told us he needed a place to live asap. His girlfriend drove him over (he didn't have a license or car) and we showed him the place and talked to him. He was originally from New York but lived in Wisconsin. He was in a rap group and his stage name was "two face piece of shit liar" so maybe that should have been a clue for us. We wanted a deposit but he told us that the last place he was living at screwed him over so he would get us the deposit and first months rent right away. Well we waited, and we waited, all of the time being led on with promises and bullshit. "I got a deposit coming, my tax refund is coming, Santa is bringing me some cash", shit like that. ALMOST TWO MONTHS HAD PASSED when Pat informed me that Talcom had stole his credit card and walked up and down Hennepin and bought food and worthless shit to the tune of almost $300 before Pat cancelled his card. How did Pat know it was Talcom? The dumbass left a receipt in his room!! What a fucking idiot!! Well at this point we were out $1065 between rent and utilities so we kicked Talcom's worthless ass out. When confronted about stealing the card he didn't even deny it and said that he hoped to "see us around". It took all of my buddist monk training to not beat the shit out of that little midget. If you ever meet a man with a name very close to Talcom Rage and is about 5' tall, please kick the shit out of him for me, that would be great.
Well now we were really in a bind. We needed a rooommate fast because we were broke and rent was due soon. We went back to a reliable source for our next roommate, a man with impeccable taste in women, Maurney. Why not go to the man that created the whole shit storm in the first place right? Maurney had this acquaintance from when he was bouncing and he knew she was looking for a place to live asap because her roommate's boyfriend hated her. We met her (we'll call her Annoying Beeatch) and since we had no other real options we let her move in. Annoying Beeatch seemed ok at first. She paid rent, always a plus, and was ok compared to the train of losers we had dealt with before. Annoying had this awful trait of talking for an hour straight without taking a break, not even to breathe. She would go on and on even when you gave her all of the normal signs you weren't interested like saying how busy you were, yawning, shutting the door in her face, slapping her, screaming shut the fuck up at her, nothing worked. I came up with the idea that she sat in her room and practiced conversations when no one was around. Every story she had sounded rehearsed. "Last year we went to 10k and had a great time even though my boyfriend got stoned and overdosed but we saw band blah and blah and blah and blah, and blah, and blah for like a list of thirty bands!! Who can list that off without practice?? NO ONE! The funniest thing Annoying ever did was one afternoon she had an extremely loud hour long conversation with one of her friends about how much her life sucked and how no one loved her and then at the end of the rant started complaining how she didn't have any real friends. Can you imagine being on the other end of that line. You just listened to some sobbing chick for an hour only to be told at the end that you aren't a real friend. I knew then why her old roommate's boyfriend had hated her. Finally Pat and I decided to part ways so Annoying Beeatch had to move out on her own to annoy some other unsuspecting sap. Of course she didn't help us clean the apartment, that would have been not annoying.
So that is the story of the roommates. You probably can't make it through in one sitting. The life lesson here is to never trust anyone and that good friends are hard to find. I hope to someday have a good friend but until then I'm stuck with my non-blog writing, wookie looking best friend in Milaca. I miss you buddy!!!!