Closet Homosexuality and McNuggets

Everybody have a good week? I did, I guess. I came home today to Hellstorm and Pat watching Notting Hill at 3:45 in the afternoon. Is that weird? Who watches a Brittish comedy on a Friday afternoon. My favorite thing about Pat watching any movie with accents or a foreign language is watching him do his puzzled look. There were two instances where he kind of turned his head a quarter turn like a dog and asked, "what did they just say?"
Granted, it was Brittish humor so I had absolutely no idea what was being said or if it was funny or not, but it was amusing none the less. Is Notting Hill funny? Maybe. Pat mentioned several times that Hugh Grant is one sexy son of a bitch. So it's got that going for it. Pat is also a huge fan of Zac Effron. For some reason when we watched 17 Again last weekend (I know, sad, sad, sad) Pat had to keep a blanket over his lap the whole time. Must have been cold, although it was like 85 degrees that night. I believe his exact quote at one point was "oh that zachy E has got an ass that won't quit!!" Ok, new topic please.

I'm wondering if anyone else has noticed that Chicken McNuggets are racist? When I think about it, I guess it's not just Chicken McNuggets but all processed chicken products. Why do all of them stress no dark meat. Seriously. McDonald's made a huge deal about this a few years ago. I understand the "no filler" claim they always stress because no one wants to eat beaks, feet and chicken shit, but why "no dark meat"? Dark meat is the best part of any bird. Turkey, Chicken, Pigeon, all have delicious dark meat. All children are being raised in America to hate dark meat. Every holiday my little cousins will refuse to eat the dark meat, they only want white meat which is usually pretty dry and tastes like a meaty sponge. They don't care, they gobble it up, they love it because it's white!! McDonald's is pushing their racist propaganda on America's youth with their stress that white meat is better than dark meat. Hellstorm just said the other night that she didn't like dark meat chicken when I offered some for her mac'n cheese. I informed her that it is way better than white meat and now she agrees. I think we should all make a public push that McDonald's puts dark meat back in their Chicken McNuggets. Would this settle the underlying racial inequalities in our country? No. But it would be a start, a delicious one at that.

Cindy, I Don't Think We're in Minnesota Anymore

Yes, that is my Uncle Steve with a chest hair man-kini. It is just one of the delightful and awe inspiring things I saw last Thursday, Friday, and Saturday up in Detroit Lakes attending the world famous country music festival We Fest. I just feel overwhelmed even trying to write about this festival experience because there is so much I'd like to talk about, I could go on for hours, maybe even write a small book about it, but I won't. I'll hit the low points for ya.

For a little background, I've been to We Fest once before. It was after sophomore year of college, I was heading up there to see about a girl, Kevin came with. Long story short, I slept in Kevin's truck while Kevin made out with three girls in their trailer, including the girl I went to see. Matt + We Fest= Not a good start.
This year I went with my Mom. That's right asshole, I went with my mom. She really likes country music and she paid for both of us to get VIP tickets center stage in row 23. Pretty nice of Cin-dog, even if she only asked me because her friend Sue couldn't go. The tickets included meals and all you can drink booze. Available for free were Miller Lite and Mike's Hard Lemonade in raspberry, regular, and lime. I literally shit my pants if I drink Miller Lite so it was nothing but Mike's Hard Lemonade for me and Cindy! We drank so much of the shit that we both ended up with burnt esophagi. By the third day we both agreed that it tasted like we were drinking gasoline so we toned it down, Cindy had three giant mugs and I only had four. I think this guy drank so much he almost died.

The big bands this year were Sawyer Brown, Trace Adkins, Craig Morgan, Taylor Swift, Kellie Pickler, Clint Black, and Big & Rich. Headlining were Toby Keith, Brooks & Dunn, and Tim McGraw. If you don't know who these bands are, you don't love America so why don't you just get the hell out. Not really. Some of the bands were really good, I liked Sawyer Brown, Trace Adkins (who did an awesome cover of a Rod Stewart song), Kellie Pickler (who is way, way, way more talented than Taylor Swift, Please write this girl some good songs!), Brooks and Dunn (who broke up on Monday) and Tim McGraw (Pat asked if I grabbed his crotch to see what Faith Hill would do about that, I didn't, but with a belt buckle that big I can see how someone would be tempted). Big and Rich kinda sucked, it was like a shitty rip off of a Kid Rock show including a midget and just shitty side show stuff. Craig Morgan will never be super popular or good, Clint Black was ok but they covered a Steely Dan song! Doesn't anyone realize that Steely Dan sucks? Taylor Swift, ladies and gentleman, was far and away the biggest piece of shit. If someone asked me specifically what was the worst part of her performance I don't know if I could answer with just one thing. The girl has very little talent and about as much personality as ----- (fill in the blank with some stupid ass chick you know, then subtract 1,000,000). There were huge pauses in the show, she would just stand there with her arms out just basking in the idiotic people applauding for her. She even had a garbage can banging fight with her back up singer (who was more talented than her).
Cin-dog couldn't take it after half the show and went to get more gasoline. If my mom thinks you suck, you probably suck pretty bad. She used to sit through Shyloc shows for god's sake!
Overall I would give the music a B-.
Tom Kat, the super duper annoying Emcee of the weekend announced that Kenny Chesney and Keith Urban are going to be there next year, therefore I will absolutely not be. Tom Kat has got a really, really, really unhealthy obsession with Keith Urban. Like I think he wants to keep him in a hole in his basement and eventually wear his skin around the house. He talked about him every chance he had. He also mentioned the fact (about 100 times) that he owns the Red Oak Steak and Wine restaurant in Lino Lakes. By the third day Cindy and I had come up with a pretty solid plan to burn it to the ground. Do not go there, do not support this douchebag.
Overall I think it was a pretty good time. Cin-dog is happy. I heard a few people died during the weekend which is horrible but I honestly can't believe hundreds of people don't die in those campgrounds. I want to leave you with something that really touched me during the Toby Keith show. As he finished his crappy show he yelled in the microphone "Don't ever apologize for being patriotic... fuck 'um!" Fuck'um indeed Toby, Fuck 'um indeed.

Fucking Korea! (Not the one you think)

If I've learned anything about the mass media in America it's that it, like blonde girls with black low-lights, cannot be trusted. Over the past 10 years or so we have heard nothing but horrible things said about Kim Jong-Il and North Korea. In the movie Team America he is depicted as a power hungry asshole bent on world domination using nuclear weapons. Every single news organization I can think of has labeled him a human rights terrorist and Georgey Bush said he was a part of the Axis of Evil. Just one problem, I just don't buy it.
Right now we have a major problem in Minnesota. Some of our best and brightest ladies are being kidnapped and forced to "teach English" in Korea. Oh no, not North Korea, Fucking South Korea!! The Korea that is supposedly on our side is stealing our coolest chicks and forcing them to stay there for a minimum of one year, and then they are supposedly deciding to stay for longer!?! Are you fucking kidding me with this shit? Kim Jong-Il never kidnapped any of my friends! Some of these girls' friends and family members can't see through the mirage that the "Republic of Korea" has been creating but I have. Why would anyone in their right mind go to Korea? Right now Pat and I have two friends in Korea. Takayla and Emily and a third cool chick (Kate Hunt) is either going soon or has left already. These are good girls with good families. Not some junkies that would throw their lives away. They have been forced to tell their families that they went by their own free will but we need to help them. We just sent former president Bill Clinton on a rescue mission but of course we sent Bill to the wrong fucking Korea!! Go south Bill, go south!! On second thought, we better send Hillary, I don't trust Billy with my lady friends. We already tried one rescue mission with a hero I like to call Jacob. He's Takayla's boyfriend and went over to Korea to try and rescue her. Of course those fucking bastards caught him and now he's forced to "teach English" along with the rest of them! Does anyone have any idea how many young women could be trapped over there? I know what can happen, I've seen it before. My friend Skoal mysteriously went to Japan during college and now he's fluent and is studying to be a lawyer in Japan. Who would ever think that was a good idea? Seriously? We have to do something now, we have to help our friends. This is the picture of the bastard you can't trust.

His name is Lee Myung-bak and he is stealing my friends. Fuck you sir, and fuck Hyundai too.

Trust No One! Especially...

Trends come and Trends go. Some of my personal favs include slap bracelets, tearjerkers gum, HyperColor shirts (I had a sweatshirt it was fuchsia), but one trend that has evolved and grown into something totally out of control (in my personal opinion) is hair highlights.

Now don't get me wrong ten/eleven years ago I was totally into the male highlight. I had the cutest spiky blonde (sorry I must side track, how in the hell do you spell Blonde/Blond? My computer refuses to allow me to spell it Blonde? I always thought it was spelled with a 'e'?) bangs in all of Columbia Heights. Just the right spikes not to long not to short (in Long Island accent, if you don't get this joke don't worry it's an inside joke between Matt and I. Does having a lot of inside jokes with your male BFF make you weird?). OK, focus Patrick. Highlights. I had rocked highlights, I admit it, but then I turned 18 and got a big boy hairdo! But this story isn't really about me, it's about Woman/Girls/Ladies/Mothers/Daughters with two-toned major fashion statement hairdos!



The most popular of the two-toned dye job is the Blonde on Top with Black/Brown under. Now I have looked long and hard on the Internet and found a few examples. Here is one that i found I found. If you were having trouble making a visual this will help a little.

"Would you trust me?"

Now the point of me writing this is... as I have begun to see more and more of these Woman/Girls/Ladies/Mothers/Daughters with hair like this I started to make broad generalizations about them and the one that I cannot seem to get over is........... I would never trust someone with a hair style like this!!! Now, don't get me wrong I feel horrible for judging people especially for how they look but... geesh these Chicks and their two toned hair scares me!!! And it's not so much that I'm scared its the fact that I just don't trust them! I don't know if it's just me but I cannot trust them!

Things I would not allow/trust two toned hairdo individuals to do:

Hold a Baby

Properly count out my change

Give me financial/political/relationship advice

Change the oil in my car …

The only thing that they can be trusted to do is.......if you think hard enough you can guess it.....highlight hair!!!

Now this is where my theory/story gets weird. I'm convinced that the two toned hair do is a cult created by hairdressers ages 18-29 (if your 30 and your pressuring Woman/Girls/Ladies/Mothers/Daughters to do this two toned thing to their hair, you need to take a long hard look at your life!). I have absolutely no hard evidence to back up this claim but I imagine scenarios like this playing themselves out in Salons daily all over the world...

Blonde Woman/Girl/Lady/Mother/Daughter walks into Salon (you typical suburban hair/spa/nails/tanning/waxing Salon) she is politely greeted and sat down in the Stylists chair. Stylist: “you have like such amazing hair” “omg (yes omg, not 'oh my god' because that would take way to long to say)” “you hair is so blonde it's like totally white, it's almost like the color of clear? (sorry I imagine these conversations in my head, I have no idea if this is what really happens)”. Stylist: “you know what would be totally hot...if we dyed your hair dark dark brown underneath all this wonderful clear blonde hair”. Blonde Woman/Girl/Lady/Mother/Daughter excitingly agrees because “nobody trusts me anyway, so why the hell not”!

The moral of the story is, next time you see a Woman/Girl/Lady/Mother/Daughter with hair like this keep one eye on them, because, THEY CANNOT BE TRUSTED!!!!