Cindy, I Don't Think We're in Minnesota Anymore

Yes, that is my Uncle Steve with a chest hair man-kini. It is just one of the delightful and awe inspiring things I saw last Thursday, Friday, and Saturday up in Detroit Lakes attending the world famous country music festival We Fest. I just feel overwhelmed even trying to write about this festival experience because there is so much I'd like to talk about, I could go on for hours, maybe even write a small book about it, but I won't. I'll hit the low points for ya.

For a little background, I've been to We Fest once before. It was after sophomore year of college, I was heading up there to see about a girl, Kevin came with. Long story short, I slept in Kevin's truck while Kevin made out with three girls in their trailer, including the girl I went to see. Matt + We Fest= Not a good start.
This year I went with my Mom. That's right asshole, I went with my mom. She really likes country music and she paid for both of us to get VIP tickets center stage in row 23. Pretty nice of Cin-dog, even if she only asked me because her friend Sue couldn't go. The tickets included meals and all you can drink booze. Available for free were Miller Lite and Mike's Hard Lemonade in raspberry, regular, and lime. I literally shit my pants if I drink Miller Lite so it was nothing but Mike's Hard Lemonade for me and Cindy! We drank so much of the shit that we both ended up with burnt esophagi. By the third day we both agreed that it tasted like we were drinking gasoline so we toned it down, Cindy had three giant mugs and I only had four. I think this guy drank so much he almost died.

The big bands this year were Sawyer Brown, Trace Adkins, Craig Morgan, Taylor Swift, Kellie Pickler, Clint Black, and Big & Rich. Headlining were Toby Keith, Brooks & Dunn, and Tim McGraw. If you don't know who these bands are, you don't love America so why don't you just get the hell out. Not really. Some of the bands were really good, I liked Sawyer Brown, Trace Adkins (who did an awesome cover of a Rod Stewart song), Kellie Pickler (who is way, way, way more talented than Taylor Swift, Please write this girl some good songs!), Brooks and Dunn (who broke up on Monday) and Tim McGraw (Pat asked if I grabbed his crotch to see what Faith Hill would do about that, I didn't, but with a belt buckle that big I can see how someone would be tempted). Big and Rich kinda sucked, it was like a shitty rip off of a Kid Rock show including a midget and just shitty side show stuff. Craig Morgan will never be super popular or good, Clint Black was ok but they covered a Steely Dan song! Doesn't anyone realize that Steely Dan sucks? Taylor Swift, ladies and gentleman, was far and away the biggest piece of shit. If someone asked me specifically what was the worst part of her performance I don't know if I could answer with just one thing. The girl has very little talent and about as much personality as ----- (fill in the blank with some stupid ass chick you know, then subtract 1,000,000). There were huge pauses in the show, she would just stand there with her arms out just basking in the idiotic people applauding for her. She even had a garbage can banging fight with her back up singer (who was more talented than her).
Cin-dog couldn't take it after half the show and went to get more gasoline. If my mom thinks you suck, you probably suck pretty bad. She used to sit through Shyloc shows for god's sake!
Overall I would give the music a B-.
Tom Kat, the super duper annoying Emcee of the weekend announced that Kenny Chesney and Keith Urban are going to be there next year, therefore I will absolutely not be. Tom Kat has got a really, really, really unhealthy obsession with Keith Urban. Like I think he wants to keep him in a hole in his basement and eventually wear his skin around the house. He talked about him every chance he had. He also mentioned the fact (about 100 times) that he owns the Red Oak Steak and Wine restaurant in Lino Lakes. By the third day Cindy and I had come up with a pretty solid plan to burn it to the ground. Do not go there, do not support this douchebag.
Overall I think it was a pretty good time. Cin-dog is happy. I heard a few people died during the weekend which is horrible but I honestly can't believe hundreds of people don't die in those campgrounds. I want to leave you with something that really touched me during the Toby Keith show. As he finished his crappy show he yelled in the microphone "Don't ever apologize for being patriotic... fuck 'um!" Fuck'um indeed Toby, Fuck 'um indeed.