Fucking Korea! (Not the one you think)

If I've learned anything about the mass media in America it's that it, like blonde girls with black low-lights, cannot be trusted. Over the past 10 years or so we have heard nothing but horrible things said about Kim Jong-Il and North Korea. In the movie Team America he is depicted as a power hungry asshole bent on world domination using nuclear weapons. Every single news organization I can think of has labeled him a human rights terrorist and Georgey Bush said he was a part of the Axis of Evil. Just one problem, I just don't buy it.
Right now we have a major problem in Minnesota. Some of our best and brightest ladies are being kidnapped and forced to "teach English" in Korea. Oh no, not North Korea, Fucking South Korea!! The Korea that is supposedly on our side is stealing our coolest chicks and forcing them to stay there for a minimum of one year, and then they are supposedly deciding to stay for longer!?! Are you fucking kidding me with this shit? Kim Jong-Il never kidnapped any of my friends! Some of these girls' friends and family members can't see through the mirage that the "Republic of Korea" has been creating but I have. Why would anyone in their right mind go to Korea? Right now Pat and I have two friends in Korea. Takayla and Emily and a third cool chick (Kate Hunt) is either going soon or has left already. These are good girls with good families. Not some junkies that would throw their lives away. They have been forced to tell their families that they went by their own free will but we need to help them. We just sent former president Bill Clinton on a rescue mission but of course we sent Bill to the wrong fucking Korea!! Go south Bill, go south!! On second thought, we better send Hillary, I don't trust Billy with my lady friends. We already tried one rescue mission with a hero I like to call Jacob. He's Takayla's boyfriend and went over to Korea to try and rescue her. Of course those fucking bastards caught him and now he's forced to "teach English" along with the rest of them! Does anyone have any idea how many young women could be trapped over there? I know what can happen, I've seen it before. My friend Skoal mysteriously went to Japan during college and now he's fluent and is studying to be a lawyer in Japan. Who would ever think that was a good idea? Seriously? We have to do something now, we have to help our friends. This is the picture of the bastard you can't trust.

His name is Lee Myung-bak and he is stealing my friends. Fuck you sir, and fuck Hyundai too.