R.I.P. Great Minnesota Freak Fest

I really don't want to start another blog with an apology, but I'm sorry. I "pulled a Eull" or "a Munson". Just when the blog was doing well, maybe taking off a little bit, I went and threw it all away. Of course Pat was right there to pick up the slack. I've enjoyed reading all of his blogs haven't you? His blog about moving to Milaca was hillarious, and his side splitting tale of how he met his girlfriend...priceless. My absolute favorite was the blog about the new Gopher stadium, those were some awesome pics he had from inside the first game. Oh wait, he didn't write about any of that shit. Pat has a blog but hates writing blogs. To keep our loyal readers interested I even tried to set up some guest bloggers but nobody wants to touch "Things We've Noticed." It's like our blog has become our genitalia. Unkept, unloved, and more sad than funny. Well that changes today.
For this blog I want you to go back, way back. All the way to the State Fair. The Great Minnesotan Get Together!! What a tradition. The food, the music, the tractors. The thing I like the best is the people. The State Fair has to be one of the best places to people watch in the entire nation. I love looking at the freaks, Pat calls it running into his Dad's friends. People without teeth gumming corndogs, ladies with beards, little fat kids with cotton candy on their face puking on the tilt-a-whirl (little Matt, twice). These are the people of the State Fair! This year Pat and I wanted to fit in with our genetically short-changed brethren.

I wore sweatpants, a church volleyball shirt, and my well worn John Deere hat. Pat wore his cut-off Morris intramural champ shirt (to show off his impressive body hair) and I think we both forgot deodorant. We looked bad but who cared, its the State Fair baby! Well, we got some cash, packed Mike, Jenny, and Hellstorm in the TL and away we went. The first surprise was the parking. $14! Ouch. Of course Mr. Moneybags Parker didn't want to take the park and ride so he paid it. That is a ridiculous amount of money to park in St. Paul. Then it was $14 to get in. $14!! I paid it begrudgingly and bitched the whole time in typical asshole Matt fashion. Inside the fair we had a mission. Get food and get drunk. Was it a Sunday? Yeah. But beer tastes good everyday and God told me she doesn't care. Mike knew where the cheapest beer stand was so we went right over. There we were informed by a disappointed elderly lady that alcohol sales don't start until noon. She shamed us all but we waited it out and got our beers at $4 a pop. Now is was time for some ass-jiggling food. I downed a footlong corndog so fast that I made a little kid cry. Pat ate two disgusting hot dogs. I drank a large root beer float. Hellstorm, Mike and Jenny were also chowing down. Another round of beers and we were off for some exploring. I found someone I had been searching for for years.


The adjustable bed guy from Columbia Heights. When I was young I would see his ads on Channel 9 and the address was Columbia Heights and I always remember thinking "Where the hell is Columbia Heights?" I watched so much tv as a kid that he became a father figure to me. I didn't get a chance to talk to him because he was busy making a sale but it was an honor to see someone successful come out of Columbia Heights. Mikey found an Ernest movie that he didn't have yet much to Jenny's dismay. Pat wanted to find himself a good pair of Moccasins. Hellstorm was thoroughly unimpressed by everything. We went to the U of M stand to see if we could get our money back. Hellstorm got her hearing checked (turns out she can hear just fine, she just doen't care to listen to my babbling). We continued to eat and drink but I couldn't help but notice how many stares we were getting.

I looked around and noticed there weren't any freaks to be found, just us. Where were all of Mario's (Pat's Dad) friends? They weren't at the games, they weren't at the cookie stand, they weren't at the baby animal barn. Then it hit me. I took my wallet out of my sweaty sweatpants and noticed I had spent $50. $50!! At the State Fair!! Granted I had eaten and drank like an idiot but that is a lot of money! How the hell can a family of freaks afford to come to the State Fair? They can't. Probably can't even afford to get in not to mention afford to buy a $15 bucket of cookies. It has gotten fucking ridiculous with how much shit costs there. It should be a place where all Minnesotans can come together to get fatter no matter how much money you make. If we don't do something soon families will be missing out on memorable moments and possible Christmas card photos because they just can't afford it. I miss you State Fair freaks, I promise you that Pat and I will carry on the torch for all of you, well if we can afford to.